National Boards

Time has passed really fast, and yet, oddly slowly.  Part of me doesn't feel like this is my fourth year full time teaching.  And really it isn't, technically I'm only starting year four around now, mid October, since I wasn't hired until then, before that it was a long-term sub job taking over for a teacher who got a job in her children's school district on the first day of school.  So, a crazy first year teaching 5th grade, then moving to 6th grade with a lot of the same kids I had the year before.  And then I did 6th grade again, and now again. So I guess I'm getting better at it.  I "lost" my job in April the first two years, but had it back before the end of the school year.

Even though I've done this for a couple of years now, I tend to feel like I'm not particularly good at it.  There's a complex about that, I can't remember what it's called.  But I usually think that about myself - not just with teaching - that I'm not particularly good at whatever it is. BUT, the State has it's rules regarding the type of certificate I have (which I'm sure is different from the kids they are issuing now) and so I knew I needed to go through the process of getting my professional certificate, and I tried to, last year, because I knew that they were going to change the process, and I much preferred the old method.  BUT, that October hire date got in my way, I hadn't been teaching long enough to do it, despite the fact that I had been doing all the teaching from day two and should quality.  So I had to wait another year.  To this year.

Pro-Teach (the new version of Professional Certificate) was looking like the way to go  The process looks scary, the concept of video taping myself has always given me a case of nausea.  I can do classes, classes don't scare me, I learn a lot. But classes weren't the process anymore.  And I had another year really to start, I didn't have to do it THIS year, this is just the first year I could do it, I could procrastinate another year, get more confident, become a better teacher - I may not be the most confident, but I still don't like failure.

So how did I end up signing up for the National Boards?  Something I thought I'd do eventually - in another five year maybe when the Pro-Teach certificate expired.  All I've heard about National Boards are how they are so hard, how few people pass, how it consumes your life (and my time management isn't always the greatest).  Peer pressure was part of it - plenty of people in my school think I can do it, the union president last year seemed surprised that I wasn't going to do it, that she had heard all these things about me. So, essentially, I caved.  And it scares me, a lot.

I'm scared / angry / sad that I have to give up doing the things I love for a year, to do this process.  The things that make me happy, because I won't have time to do both, that is, if I want to pass.  And there are sure benefits to passing - the ten years of not having to deal with my certificate, the (so far un-cut) stipend from the state, and I suppose most importantly, the learning about myself and my teaching that comes from the process, the process that will hopefully turn me into a teacher that I am proud to be.

So, I look down the hall, to my newly covered sewing machines - glad that they now have covers because I probably won't be able to use them for a good long while.  Not use them to make the two skirts I bought fabric for this summer, not to finish the many projects I've already started.  Not to do one of my favorite things - making baby quilts and baby things for two babies on their way in February and March.  I know these babies will have so much love showered on them, and won't be lacking in wonderful things just for them, but I love making things for babies, thinking about the mommies and daddies who will be loving them, thinking about the personalities that might show up and trying to incorporate that into what I make.  I feel like there is so much love put into the things I make, that the babies that use them feel somehow.  It helps me feel connected to people, to make me feel a tiny part of someone's life, because so often I feel alone.  And it's hard to give up that connected feeling for a year or more (probably more than a year because I don't know if I'll pass the first time around, a lot of people don't).  

So maybe that's why I teach, to feel connected to other people.  I've never been the best person at being social.  At my "high point" of being social, I had only a handful of people that I truly felt connected to and who were connected to me.  I have a hard time, I'm too different, I don't have enough in common with people, and it's hard to make new friends for me.  And I feel it's important, to teach, I love working with kids, I've always loved working with kids - it's adults I have a harder time with.  Teaching connects me with other teachers, and it connects me with so many great kids.  And even if I fail this thing, if I can't pass, then at least I will be more connected to myself - I'll learn about me, become aware of my strength, and my weaknesses and it will allow me to become better at this career path, since it's one of the few places I feel I belong.  And, I'll send mental love to those babies, to those babies who are so wanted and for some, so longed for, knowing that they will be cared for so well, knowing that they will have all they need, and what I'd make for them will just become another thing.

Maybe when I get done with this process, if I get done with this process, I'll have time to take charge of my non-school life.  I have a husband I love, and a couple of the greatest friends a girl could want if only they were physically closer, and usually that's enough. But sometimes it's not.  And maybe I'll be given the freedom and ability to pursue what's missing.  But for now, for now I have to dive into this full force, to put nearly everything else on back burners, to give up things that make me happy to do this right.  I think I'll be OK, I think it will all work out.  I just don't know how right now.