It hit me last night, as I was sitting around the fire with the almost youngest members of the social gathering ( the second and fourth graders .... The toddlers were either sleeping or somewhere else at that point) that for the majority of my life, I've not belonged with my peer group. I didn't / don't seem to have much in common with them. As a child I was with the adults, or with the MUCH younger children. Now it seems I prefer the company of children, as the adults don't seem to acknowledge I'm there most of the time. The one exception to this is work. The people I work with I have commonalities with. I can talk to. They want to talk to ME instead of me trying to awkwardly force myself into a conversation. At work I am actively included. It feels right. I don't see coasters of people with me cropped out of the picture. Aside from work, the majority of the time I feel like I'm alone, even when there are lots of people around, especially when there are lots of people around. It seems I do better actually being physically alone, because for whatever reason I can justify it to myself. That is ok to be sad and lonely when you are in fact, alone, compared to feeling unwanted and unwelcome and unworthy.
It frustrates me, this situation. I've tried to change it so many times. I've tried to become like them, doing what they do, thinking like they do, but it's not me. I don't feel true to myself, and I do like myself. I think I'm interesting, if maybe a big strange,but who isn't in their own way. I've tried to be myself with them, but that doesn't work either. I'm not a force myself into a situation person, I'm scared of being rejected and hurt because I've been there far too often, and it's not a place I feel safe and welcomed and willing to take a chance. The fear of failing is far to intense. It's not worth the chance, I'd like to keep what self confidence I have left.
I have watched for years. Years. Standing on the sidelines, waiting to be picked. Wanting and trying to join, only to be passed over by every single new person, watching them welcomed in. Watching them invited and included. Feeling more and more left out, more and more alone. We moved closer, thinking the living in the boonies was part of the problem. At least then when we arrived there was acknowledgment of being there, a hey you guys came all the way down. Some days now I could just wander around and nobody would say a thing. I feel invisible. Unwanted. Unknown.
There was a time, a few years, where I had the group of friends. When I felt included, at least most for the time. It wasn't a big group, but we supported each other, most of the time, I miss those times.
I wonder if anyone would miss me
3 comments:
You would be missed! Once again, I curse the fact that we live in different cities. You know we'd hang out like every other day if we were closer neighbors :)
I can identify with this feeling, although I will say it was more frequent / intense when I was younger... sometime in college it faded. A lot. I don't know why or what I did to change it.
Based only on my own experiences with no real knowledge of your situation, and the fact that I like you and would hang out with you if we were ever living near each other, I'd suspect that you matter more to people than it may appear. (But I don't want to trivialize what you are feeling, either).
I also think that, while I've felt this way, I also think I've been the person who leaves other people out- completely unintentionally- due mostly to bumbling social skills and an unawareness of their interest in being included.
So I guess with those things in mind, I have no real advice, but just so that you know that I read this, and can empathize.
-Lisa
I've actually been talking about something like this recently with my daughter who is in 4th grade. It's hard when introverts don't want to feel left out. My advice to her was to try and be the person you wish others were being to you. If she wishes someone would invite her in, maybe she should just invite them in. I have no idea if this was a good suggestion or not, but it's worked for me. I hope things feel more comfortable for you soon.
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